Searching For Release
by NickiForDraco
Summary: My love, leave yourself behind. Beat inside me, leave you blind. My love, you have found peace. You were searching for release! Draco is ill. Harry is trying to care for him, but it never seems enough. Slash!VERYSensitiveTopic!DontLike!DontRead!


**A/N: ****WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!**

**Okay, before you all read on I would like to give you plenty of warning!**

**This fic contains a lot of dark stuff; I prefer not to tell you all the warnings because I feel as though it ruins the story but just giving a heads up about a few things that are sensitive in this fic: Mental disorders, eating disorders and unstable characters. It's a very depressing and sad fiction and if you don't think you can handle that then I suggest you don't read on because I don't want to get flamed for this.**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters, unfortunately. Also the song mentioned at the beginning and end is not mine either, it belongs to Sia.

Searching For Release

"_My love, leave yourself behind  
>Beat inside me, leave you blind<br>My love, you have found peace  
>You were searching for release<em>

_You gave it all into the call  
>You took a chance and<br>You took the fall for us_

_You came thoughtfully  
>Loved me faithfully<br>You taught me honour  
>You did it for me<em>

_Tonight you will sleep for good  
>You will wait for me, my love."<em>

Harry Potter fell back onto the soft chair in his apartment. He pressed his calloused hands into his eyes, effectively knocking his glasses askew. He roughly pressed the tears away and sniffed.

"Please…" He heard Draco say from behind him.

"How dare you-I can't even-" Harry cut himself off before he broke even further.

How _dare_ Draco ask this of him. How dare he force this onto Harry after everything else he had been through!

"Harry, you don't understand!" Draco sobbed as he stepped in front of Harry and knelt down. "I need you to do this, I can't…" Draco said sadly.

"I won't." Harry said as he shook off Draco's hand that had placed itself upon his knee. Harry's voice shook and he had to hold back a sob that was threatening to break through his clenched teeth. His hands came up and pressed either side of his head, Harry felt as though he were about to explode. Draco let a sob escape his lips and it caused Harry to peer through his hands at the beautiful blond.

"Draco… no, anything but this, please…" Harry sobbed, finally caving and grabbed the blond roughly and pulling him into a tight embrace.

"This is how it has to be… there isn't another way. Believe me Harry Potter when I say I love you." Draco cried.

"Then don't make me do this. If you love me, don't make me do it!"

The two boys cried in silence for a long while before either moved. When Draco finally pulled away Harry looked into his eyes. They no longer shined with emotion, not anger, not irritation, not even love… they were empty, just like Harry knew Draco's soul must feel. His world came crashing down when he saw nothing but blank grey orbs staring at him. For a second Draco's emotion changed, only for a second, but Harry saw it, he saw the self-loathing look Draco sported.

"Just give me today…" Harry whispered finally. "Today is all I'm asking for Draco, please."

"Only if you promise me," Harry had a feeling Draco would have said that so he took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them again before nodding slowly.

"I promise."

Harry stood up then, walking into his bedroom and into the unsweet. He looked in the mirror and saw dark green eyes staring back at him. They were blood shot and sad looking and for some reason unknown to Harry they didn't look out of place. His face was red and blotchy from crying and his shirt was crumpled from holding his boyfriend close just moments before. Harry reached down and splashed his face with cold water before drying it on the nearby face towel and then walking back into the lounge room where he found Draco curled up on the couch gripping his stomach. Knowing exactly what was happening Harry rushed towards the blond and gripped him tightly in another embrace much like the one before.

Harry looked closely at the boy wrapped in his arms curled in pain. His blond hair had become thin and straw-like; his face was paler than usual and had taken on a strange translucent look. Dark circles had permanently been formed around his empty grey eyes and they looked sunken. But this was not the only obvious thing that had changed about Draco Malfoy. He had also lost so much weight that Harry could lift him with ease. The boy looked so fragile and vulnerable in Harry's toned arms. Wishing that Draco would get professional help Harry picked him up and carried him into the bedroom, gently placing the now crying Draco onto his bed.

"Why are you doing this Draco?" Harry asked sadly for the millionth time in the past six months.

"Because," is all Draco cried back. Harry sighed and fell onto the bed next to Draco, trying not to rock it too much and cause the other boy more pain.

"When was the last time you ate?" Harry asked gently, knowing that Draco's eating habit was a very touchy subject.

"Don't know. Few days." Draco hissed and Harry's eyes instantly started to tear up again.

Draco hadn't eaten properly for six months now, Harry was lucky to force a piece of bread down the blonde's throat. That is exactly what started it all. Draco had become obsessed with his weight, always pointing people out in the street and asking if they were skinnier than him. Harry had thought it was just Draco being self-conscious but then the suicidal tendencies started and that is when Harry got really worried. He tried forcing Draco to go to a doctor but he refused, saying there was nothing wrong with him. Worried for Draco's mental health he asked for a doctor to come around the house and take a look at Draco, that hadn't gone down well at all and the doctor wanted to admit Draco into St. Mungo's mental ward. Harry had refused and said that he was capable of taking care of Draco, even in his mental state and the doctor had reluctantly left but not before Harry forced him to make the unbreakable vow that he will never tell a soul about Draco's condition. The first few months Harry thought he saw a slight improvement in Draco, he had only tried killing himself twice and had eaten a meal a day but Harry knew that Draco was only eating and trying to get better for him, which at least was something, right? But then Harry had to leave the house to get groceries because they were running extremely low because Harry hadn't left the house in fear that he would return to find a dead Draco on his living room floor. So Harry had been as quick as possible going to the local supermarket, he was five maybe ten minutes tops and when he returned he found Draco sitting on the floor in the bedroom naked, shaking and almost chewing his arm off while tears streaked his pale face. In a panic Harry had grabbed Draco and tried to stop him for gnawing at his own arm. Big mistake because Draco had freaked out and bit down on Harry's hand drawing blood instantly and sinking so far into his hand that Draco's pearly teeth had hit the bones. Things had just gotten worse from there-on-out. Harry had to start getting the groceries delivered because he couldn't leave Draco's side for longer than five minutes, he had to sit in the bathroom with the blond while he showered and went to the toilet, and he even had to shave the blonde's face himself in fear that Draco would slit his own throat.

Harry was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard Draco make a strangled cry. Harry knew he couldn't do anything to help so he just curled around the other boy and held him close.

"I love you," Harry whispered.

"I love you too," Draco cried back in pain. "I don't want to wait any longer Harry! Please! " Draco then sat up abruptly.

"You said you would give me today Draco!" Harry said, tears instantly pouring down his face.

"I know, I know… But I can't. I just can't. It's been months Harry! Months!" Draco was starting to get angry and Harry didn't know what to do, this was the only emotion he had seen Draco display besides sadness and self-loathing for a long while.

"Draco…" Harry said sadly, putting his head down.

"You're not going to back down Harry Potter! You promised! JUST END IT! END IT NOW!" Draco screamed and he jumped off the bed, causing Harry to instantly stand to make sure Draco's frail body didn't collapse on itself.

"I told you before Draco, you can ask the world of me, but you can't ask me to do this." Harry sighed.

"You promised… You promised me. Just do it now, do it Harry! If you don't, then I will." Draco then raced into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him, locking it.

"DRACO! OPEN THIS DOOR! PLEASE! PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU TO OPEN THIS DOOR!" Harry cried and banged on the bathroom door roughly, making it quiver under the pressure.

"You have two choices. You do it, or I do it." Draco mumbled from the other side of the door. Harry hesitated and then moments later he heard Draco rummaging through the drawers of the cabinet.

"Stop! Draco please! PLEASE!" Harry screamed. The rummaging stopped and the door opened slowly to reveal Draco standing with Harry's wand pointed at him.

"Do it. Or I will." Draco then turned the wand on himself.

"PLEASE! NO! I'LL DO IT! I'LL DO IT!" Harry said in a panic.

Draco then handed the wand to Harry and walked over to the bed, lying down and closing his eyes. Harry walked over and sat on the edge of the bed before lowering himself and curling into Draco's embrace. The brunette was shaking from head to toe as he lifted his head and placed a soft kiss on Draco's lips.

"I love you Draco Malfoy." He whispered.

"I love you more Harry, don't ever forget that. I'll wait for you." Draco then opened his eyes to look into Harry's. "Do it," he whispered without taking his eyes from Harry's. Harry swallowed, nodded and raised his wand.

"Avada Kedavra." He whispered softly, there was a flash of green light and when Harry's eyes refocused on Draco; his eyes didn't even have the chance to blink before the tears escaped. He leant down and placed a kiss on Draco's forehead, then shut his eyes gently. A small smile played on the blonde's lips and Harry knew that wherever he was he was finally happy. He finally got what he wanted.

"I love you Draco." Harry cried into the blonde's unmoving chest. "I'm so sorry,"

"_You loved honestly  
>Did what you could release<em>

_I know you're pleased to go  
>I won't relieve this love<em>

_Now I am strong, you gave me all  
>You gave all you had<br>And now I am home_

_My love, leave yourself behind  
>Beat inside me, I'll be with you."<em>

**A/N: Okay, I know this was really different to what I usually write and it was really sad but I had been listening to the song "My Love" by Sia for like… two days straight now and this idea just came to me while listening to it! Leave a review to tell me what you thought of my angsty tragedy. **

**~Nicki.**


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